When I think about the fact that in less than two weeks I’ll be posing for my “last first day picture,” I feel a weight in my stomach.
It’s a mix of happy/sad, nervous/nostalgic. I’m about to be a senior…in college. Time has once again fooled me, by moving quicker than I would have liked.
I can’t wait to be back at school, though. I’ve tried to spend a lot of time this summer reflecting on what has gotten me to this point in my life. It has made me miss Drake a whole lot. This is my first summer not living at home, and for some reason I miss Drake more than usual, even though I am about 20 feet from campus. It’s probably because every morning as I drive to work, I pass by places that hold so many memories, and I can’t wait to jump back in and start making more.
Besides the making memories and the whole it’s-my-last-year-of-college thing, I am ready for a more diverse daily routine. I’m one of those sick people that thrive off stress, and I miss the hectic week days and nights of the school year. I’m having a blast at my internship and appreciate learning the ways of the corporate world that I’ll soon be entering, but the 9-5 work day and the 11pm bedtime just isn’t exciting enough for me. And my friends and I are all too exhausted by Tuesday to do anything. Then it’s Friday, but before long it’s Sunday night and I’m doing it all over again. I’m so excited for my future, but when I think of it like this it just makes me anxious to be back at school. Que the procrastination and the putting one assignment on hold because another’s due date crept up faster than expected. I’m crazy, but I need the stress.
But knowing it’s my senior year is definitley bumming me out a bit. I have one year left with this giant cohort of people who have been central to my college experience, whether they know it or not. I’m not talking about my best friends here (because I’d be way more emotional), but the people I kinda-knew. The one’s I PMAC’ed with, or sat in journalism classes with; one’s I hugged drunk at parties, was in organizations with, or those I laughed with at quad when we sat at a big table, but left never knowing their names. I shared experiences with them that shaped me into this amazing person and soon they’ll just be faces I scroll by on Instagram. I have a hard time coming to terms with that, even though everyone goes through these phases because it’s part of life.
These same emotions took hold of me when I graduated high school, and it played out exactly the way I thought it would. I’ve maintained strong relationships with my close high school friends, but all the others—the faces, the teammates, the classmates, and the ones I shared some of my favorite laughs with—they’re gone. I’m not really sad about it, it’s just weird to be complacent with the fact that everyone you once knew won’t be a part of your life anymore. I read their tweets sometimes and my heart swells with this mixture of sadness and sweetness for them; and for a part of my life that has passed.
Now that I’m almost done with school forever, part of these Faces Of The Past will be my teachers. This is probably the hardest goodbye I’ll have to come to terms with. So many of my teachers have inspired me or have influenced in ways beyond their imagination, and once I’m out taking the world by flame I won’t be able to go to them for advice or use them as reliable sounding boards—at least, not the same way I once did. I deeply value the relationships I’ve made with educators since high school and I’ll miss the ability to learn from directly and indirectly once I move away. I miss my high school teachers every day, because not only were they fun (and wise), many of them encouraged me to keep writing and working on my confidence, and I don’t know if I’d be one step from graduating with a communications degree without them. But my college professors and administrators have helped me during some of my lowest lows and times of insecurity. Undoubtably, they’ve been some of the most important people in my college transformation. It’s going to suck saying goodbye.
Maybe I just love school and learning. Maybe I just love Drake. Maybe I just love all people. Maybe I seriously suck at moving on.
All of it makes the thought of being a senior too much to handle. But I can’t wait.
In the first blog post I ever wrote and published, I called myself a walking contradiction. All these years later and it’s still true. I think it’s because putting your thoughts into words is really, really tough. When I think about what I’m trying to say I become less and less certain of how I actually feel. I’m excited, but nervous, but also really sad when I think about the end. But my future! Actually, the future is scary. But it’s the next step, so I have to be excited. But applying for jobs is tedious. See what I mean?
Regardless of my wishy-washy opinions, I’m about to be a senior with an exciting course load lined up and an insane internship at a leading corporation.
Let’s just start this thing so I can stop worrying about it and start living it.